Happy 29th (okay, technically 30th) of December.

It's been a long week. 8-12 every morning at Job1, then a 5-7 hour shift at Job2. It'll be nice to have the cash, but it's been long.

My roommates are always asking me if they can borrow my DVD player and it's driving me nuts. Maybe instead of buying them all belated Christmas presents, I'll just buy a house DVD player and call it good. I'll even be so kind as to set it up, as I'm the only remotely technologically inclined of my house. Maybe that's a good thing. Maybe not. I haven't decided yet.

Combine a good guy with a fitting cologne and a good hug, and I'm putty.

This Big Kahuna stuff is interesting. We'll see if it works.

I know I've gotten a lot better, but I'm still frustrated with how much I care what others think. Especially others that are non-entities or that, as much as I like them, really don't matter. Since I'm trying to develop it in myself, I really admire those that walk unapologetically to their own beat. If I seem a little less caring/more apathetic than usual, don't worry too much. It's an exercise.

Brozy and Laulau - I just remembered the specific reason why I took the link to my blog off of bb. If you still want to know, shoot me a PM and I'll let you know.


Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas, everyone. I hope that everything is going well and can be at least somewhat at peace for today. Best of luck in the upcoming year.



I went out with Guy3 last night. I had a good time. We went to a really good restaurant (yum!) and had a good dinner. Then we went to his house, met up with some of his siblings and went caroling. It was a lot of fun. After that, we drove around and looked at some peoples' cool lights. We then came back to my house and had dessert, and chatted some more and listened to some music, and then he went home. He flies out to Tennessee tomorrow to spend time with his twin brother and his family and will return on the 4th. I thought we connected very well, and I really did have a good time, and told him that I'd like to do that again sometime. It was a little awkward, as we don't know each other very well and weren't always sure what to say to each other, but it was still fun. The poor kid also kept getting distracted by my eyes, which was very attractive. He has great eyes...bright blue. It was fun. Here's hoping he calls and we get to do something again.


Thank Heaven for the Sabrina sountrack.

I can't tell you how many times it's helped.

Physically, I'm feeling fine. No illnesses to complain of, which is WONDERFUL. I thank Heaven for that. I'm emotionally blah, though.

I'm tired of it. I'm tired of it all.

Deep breaths, mint chocolate torte, and good music will turn me around. Maybe I need to "find myself in Paris." Except it would be Spain instead.

It's not fair...

* when I'm not even aware of the stupid politics in the first place.
* when people don't know me...at all...but they still make judgment calls.
* that I don't know you well enough to 'get it.'

I'm trying! Yeesh!


By the way,

I can be easily persuaded to do things as and with friends. So, please invite me. I just don't want romance. Fair enough?


And as of tonight...

...I am no longer dating Guy1. He's a wonderful person. And no, I'm not just saying that. I felt strongly that it needed to be this way. Go figure.

Don't go thinking you finally have your chance with me and that you're going to ask me out. If you do, I'll probably decline...politely. :) I'll probably also be flattered, but I will still probably decline.

Any questions? Post a comment, PM me, e-mail me, or call me (if you're lucky enough to have my phone number...ha!)



...I realized that:

I'm dating Guy1, I love Guy2, I flirted with Guy3, and I'm okay with that.

Weird, huh?


Merely a young girl's record.

I just got done with a good practice session with my accompanist. He is so sweet, and is very talented.

I have finally started to figured out the flute politics. I pretty much have to be (or at least pretend to be) obsessed with all things related to flute, and like there is NOTHING else I'd rather be doing. This is starting to be true, to a point. It's probably good that I don't live in the same city that the rest of you do, because then I'd just want to hang out all the time. This way, I can live my life and do flute, but know that you still love me and might want to hang out with me on weekends.

I've discovered and finally come to terms with the fact that I hate being controlled and forced, in any or all forms. Everything that I do needs to come intrinsically, whether it's because it will make me happy or because I'm consciously choosing to do something to make someone else happy, or because I recognize it as a 'duty' of sorts. I can defintely be responsible. I also, however, know how to be responsibly unresponsible. I like being irreverent sometimes. You kinda have to figure out how I work. I can be verrry serious, but I can be very lighthearted and goofy. You have to learn my voice inflections to know when I'm exaggerating and being sarcastic. It's sorta how my sense of humor works. If, however, you start forcing me to do something (even if it's something I already do), I will almost immediately have a VERY strong urge to do the exact opposite, just to prove that I can and just to see what you'll do. I value a bit of unpredictability in my life. Predictable is occasionally boring. So look out. :)

At some point, I'll make a "Quirks To Be Put Up With If You Marry Me" list, and a list of "Wonderful Things You'll Get In Return" list. The lists may be very intertwined.

One of the 'Wonderfuls' is that I will always try to make life interesting. I can find excitement and happiness in what often seem to be the most dull and boring parts of life. I've learned how to make things like that exciting, or else I'd get bored and depressed. You probably won't be interested, so I'll just keep those things to myself, but you better not come whining to me about how boring life is, or I'll just laugh at you. :)



Things that can give me the jibblies:

Being controlled or forced to do anything (even if it's something I already do).
Annoying, ditzy, diva flute players.
Music professors (sometimes).
Tight finances.
Getting sick.
Annoying roommates.


Freak Out!

**disclaimer: I'm quite tired and just home from a road trip. I'm happy to accept the fact that I'm whacked out.**

Okay, I just came back from visiting my 'boyfriend,' and kinda started freaking out. I do this from time to time, unfortunately, when stuff that sounds like being married to any kind of teacher, living in Provo, having a handful of kids and fulfilling my callings sounds absolutely repulsive and is only meant to rob me of the life I should be living. Which is now.

I'm not saying the kid proposed marriage. He didn't. Maybe I'm still living in my fairy-tale land, or am at least wanting to. My fairy tale land involves a man who is a very successful MBA and makes loads of cash. This way, we might not have to *seriously* worry about finances. Not only does he make tons of cash, he manages it well. He's 6'4." He is classy enough to handle the most elegant of situations, is highly responsible, and doesn't make me go camping or play sports if I don't want to. He has a very sexy taste in music, involving a lot of jazz and blues, and even enjoys going to the theatre. He is, however, straight. And in love with me. He could, however, do small-ish town (like Orem, because I *really* do not want to live anywhere smaller), but still bring the New York upper-class 'feel.' And he won't be upset if I only want to have 2 kids. Tops. Maybe just one. If that. He makes possible and supports me in my dream of playing in an orchestra, but if I decide I want to quit tomorrow, that's ok with him as well. I get to support him in his career, and he will come to me with his complex problems, and I will provide genious insights that he would never have gotten if he weren't married to me. We will go out frequently for food and find cool, eclectic, ethnic restaurants, and will never, ever complain about the bill, because it's ...hello! Pocket change! and will be so excited when he finds somewhere new we can go. We'll spend chilly evenings on our luscious couch (we don't have kids yet...not even close) with hot chocolate or cider in one hand, our individual books in another, in front of a *real* fire. I'll keep the apartment spotless (it'll be fairly easy since we don't have kids), and I'll be super-involved in cool stuff. He is the sexiest man alive, and finds me to be the sexiest woman alive and cannot possibly imagine being with anyone else but me. I can't imagine being with anyone else but him. He speaks well and writes well.

The list goes on, but I have to get up early and I'm not going to get anywhere near enough sleep tonight.

I think I'm just going to go pray that this freaking out be temporary. Actually, no I'm not. I'm going to ask Him to bless me with peace to know that He's in charge. I'm going to stop thinking about it and planning and just trust Him that He'll take care of everything after I've given it a shot and failed most horribly.

I hope it works, because I'm kinda not really attracted to Lover Boy (LB for short) right now. Luckily, I won't see the kid until Saturday, so we'll see.........


Suggestions? Anyone? Anyone? Bueller?


Warning! Venting ahead....

Let me just say that overall, life is going well and I'm happy with it. Today, however, I'm kind of ornery, and there are things bothering me that are bouncing around in my head that I need to get out. You have been warned. Here goes:

My grandparents are great people, but they're really annoying. On December 9th, my grandpa is turning 80. My grandma's throwing a birthday party for him, but no grandkids are invited. The only thing (besides the occasional Thanksgiving or Christmas party) that the grandkids have ever been invited to was their 50th wedding anniversary a year and a half ago at The Joseph Smith Memorial Building where they had to PAY lots of money for ALL of us to eat! They rarely come to anything to support their grandkids unless it's "worth" it. Plays, but at the Hale Center Theatre. They've been to one of my concerts that I can remember, but it's now that I'm in the top wind group at the U. The weekend before that, there is a Christmas party for my dad's cousins - no kids invited. I'm used to that one, because they do it every year, but I can't even go to my own grandfather's 80th birthday? LAME. (I probably wouldn't be able to go anyway because of work, but that's beside the point.) When we were little, we were NEVER allowed in Grandma's front room. Never mind if we were well behaved. It was just taboo.

I got a lot lower of a grade on my music theory midterm because I wrote (and didn't catch) parallel 5ths and octaves all over the place. I like music, and I think it's important, but my life does not and will not revolve around it. Snobby musicians drive me nuts. There's music snobbery, but then there's music elitism. I swear that my professors put music over everything, including family, church and real life. If something isn't perfect, the universe is likely to implode or something. Guess what!! I do not care. Well, I care about my grades right now, but teaching flute students and/or playing in an orchestra will not be based on whether or not I can correctly write and resolve Neapolitan chords, Augmented 6ths and secondary dominants or seventh chords. People! There's more to life! Get a grip!

My work is driving me a little crazy. I LOVE it, don't get me wrong, but it's just the initial settling into a new job that's tough. Trying to get days off that I *need* off, trying to figure out if I'll be able to go see my brother's new show ever at all during the run, trying to get a ton of hours between the days that I have to have off or I'll fail Wind Ensemble and be hated by my director for not showing up to the concert. I'm trying really really hard to get this Saturday off so that I can go to Colorado with my family for Thanksgiving. However, I need more hours as I have a 2-digit sum of money in my bank account right now. It's scaring me to death. I'm not trying to be difficult! I promise!! ERG!

I don't understand people and why they can't just accept the fact that I'm friendly and that I actually do care about you, even if I'm not interested in a romantic relationship! Sorry that you've liked me since July and found out last night that I've never liked you as more than a friend and that I'm dating someone. Not a whole lot I can do about it.

*sigh* I'm starting to feel better. If you're still reading this, I applaud you for putting up with my ranting. That's all for now.


And then what if you are what a prince would envision...?

So, I have to laugh. There is someone that I have been exchaning e-mails with lately. That is, until he decided to be non-responsive. Until I mention casually on bb that I'm dating someone not of the bb persuasion. Suddenly, he feels like writing me back. *snicker* It's okay, my friend. I was not about to express undying love.

Yes, you read that correctly. I have started dating someone. And, as irony (or maybe luck) would have it, he lives in Orem. He goes to BYU. He's a wonderful dancer, and as I'm finding out, a wonderful person. I am gunshy, and somewhat skeptical, but for whatever reason, I'm hanging in there. Half of me doesn't want to 'commit' and feels like bolting, but the other half of me is so overwhelmingly comfortable and okay with it that I can't bolt. And that's okay. I haven't settled into the "*sighhhh* At last, my Prince Charming has come," mentality. I'm just....okay....for now. It's rather precarious, but I'm not at all worried about it. I'm taking it as it comes. If, at some point, after maybe having dinner together, and after having ordered Dr. Pepper or Diet Coke, he may tell me it's over. I'm still waiting for him to say, "[Cinderella], you're way too spunky/on the edge/weird/intimidating for me. See ya around at Swing Kids, ok?" At this point, I would be neither surprised or saddened. I guess it's a self-defense mechanism, and it's happened before. *shrug*

He's newly home from his mission, as in, beginning of August. He's doing REALLY well for only having been home since then. I'd pretty much sworn off men under the age of 23, as I was sick of putting up with all the weirdness. And yet, here I am...

I'm convinced that God has a sense of humor. Yeah. I'll have to blog later about my highly ironic situation that recently occurred that cemented this idea into my brain. For now, however, ta ta.


[Insert Creative Title Here]

So, since I kind of can't sleep, I'll just post some random musings:

I really like chocolate pudding. Oddly enough, especially Jello Instant. :)

Life has an interesting way of going really bizarre directions sometimes and throwing things into the mix that you weren't anticipating - for good or for bad.

It's a really cool thing when I can connect with a guy on several levels...including a dance level. Wow.

I'm learning how to lead some moves in Lindy, and it's fun, but a little intimidating because of the teacher. He's great, though.

It's crazy that my brother will be going on a mission soon. I'm excited for him to have that experience, but I'll miss him a lot.

I love the Sabrina soundtrack.

Hooray for Dancesport, if I end up being able to go.

There are parts of where I live that I love, and other parts that scare me to death. It'll be interesting to see what I end up doing after graduation. If I'll be married or not...if I go to grad school or not...if I do something related to my major or something completely different.

My friend told me that she and her boyfriend are unofficially engaged. We're in almost all of our classes together, and I've hung around with them a lot, and I think it will be good, but it's like, "Hey....more friends that are getting married. Huh." I guess when it's right, it's right, eh?

It's kind of cool to get a "big picture." I love "big picture" moments, because they help me to realize that I'm on the right track, and usually more so than I think I am. Yay.

And now I'm getting tired, so I think I'll give that sleep thing another crack at it.

Good night.


: )

Yep, I really like the movie "The Importance of Being Earnest." Especially tonight. And yes, I'm using two spaces inbetween sentences. Deal with it. :)

God moves in mysterious ways. I'm convinced that He has a sense of humor.

It's nice to know that God knows us better than we know ourselves, and that He leads us in ways that can be very confusing to us, but ultimately come out for the best. It's amazing.


Metaphysical Speculation

"Do shake his hand, Uncle Jack."
"After all, it could be worse. I could be dead in Paris of a sudden chill."
"You could, indeed."

"Rise, sir, from this semi-recumbent posture! It is most indecorous!"
"Mama, I beg you to retire. Mr. Worthing is not quite finished."
"Finished with what, may I ask?"
"Mama, Mr. Worthing and I are engaged to be married."


An interesting question

Laulau posed an interesting question on her blog:

Does what matters now matter later?

I would say yes and no. For me, when there are people/things in my life that I care a lot about, I tend to *do* stuff in relation to them, which teaches me a lot, which helps me later in different situations.

For example: Guys I've dated in the past. I'm SO glad that I didn't marry my first boyfriend out of high school. I've learned things about myself and my life that I wouldn't have learned any other way. At times, I've thought, "What's the point of getting involved if it doesn't work out?" Then I think, "How do you know it won't work out until you actually give it a shot?" "Yes, but what if I get hurt again? I'm tired of it!"

I found myself thinking today that I'm afraid of *blank* and *blank*. (You may think you know what goes in the blanks, but don't be so sure. :) ) After this thought process led me lower and lower, and I started feeling crummier and crummier, a thought popped into my head that there's a scripture somewhere about Heavenly Father not giving us feelings of fear, but of peace, etc. So I started to look up 'fear,' and found a few REALLY neat scriptures that pulled me out of my 'funk.' I remembered that I need to be patient, have faith, and go forward without having fear.

So this week is going to be awesome, because I'm going to make a conscious effort to eliminate as much fear as I can.

I also had an awesome Halloween costume last night that was tons of fun, and actually made people laugh. :D And I get to hang out with my family tonight, tomorrow and Tuesday. And I get to carve a pumpkin tomorrow. And I get to go look at Brozy's house. And it's fall....YUM. And I get to apply for jobs, and contemplate the possibilities of moving down. And I get to start a new week. It's going to be GREAT! And maybe I'll start planning my theoretical trip to Disneyland next fall, because it's been a while since I've been there. Road trip, anyone? (And I'm only half kidding about that...)


Into the Woods

"He's a very nice prince..."
"It's a very nice ball..."
"And...*gasp* When I entered, they trumpeted..."
"And...the prince?"
"Oh, the prince..."
"Yes, the prince."
"Well, he's tall."
"Is that all? Did you dance? Is he charming? They say that he's charming..."
"We did nothing *but* dance..."
"..and it made a nice change..."
"No, the prince!"
"Oh, the prince?"
"Yes, the prince!"
"He has charm for a prince, I guess..."
"I don't meet a wide range, and it's all very strange..."

I still may...

...do something drastic like move back down to Utah County. Not necessarily for any good reason other than I'm single, and I can. So there. However, the holidays are upon us, and it would be nice to be close to my family, and my brother's going to be going on a mission soon, so to be able to be home for the call, etc. etc. would be tons of fun. I may not move back. I don't know. *shrug* I'm coming down either later tonight or in the morning, andI'll probably stay through Tuesday. I'll probably do some job hunting, some DC ticket purchasing, some sitting in the hot tub, some enjoying of the family, some practicing and some homework. And watching of movies. :D And I get to go to the dentist. The day after Halloween. Good thing I'm not planning on eating a ton of candy......well...maybe just a little bit.... :D


New job

So my project at my current job will be finishing this week. That means that I need to find a new job fairly quickly. I applied and was interviewed for a banquet server at a very popular dining location downtown...in a building that holds a lot of wedding receptions...where you might see GAs walking around...that has a great view of a rather large and spiky building....Yeah.

And then I realized that I don't think I want the job, even if it's offered to me. Maybe it's because I took a nap today and woke up feeling tired and having little energy, but to have a restaurant-type job where you're constantly "Ohmygosh, like, HI!! How are you today??" sounded extremely draining. Then I came to realize that while I enjoy people, I've enjoyed being given a project, being told, "K, do it," and then being left alone for the most part. I don't like people breathing down my neck.

So to have a job like that involving all of those things...yeah...I'm not so sure about that. Maybe I can get my people fix without having it be through my job. Maybe a secretarial job would be good...or maybe I could find a way to do what I really want...which is to teach private flute lessons.

And there are other....Um....yeah....


Who knows? I'm excited to see how life turns out, to be sure.


It's me...


I just posted on my brother's friend's blog, so I'm sure a bunch of them will all wander over here wondering who this "Cinderella" girl is. Funny thing is, they know me and won't know it! [insert evil cackle here]

Just to give clues, since this is a blog, my brother is often involved with theatre. Some of his recent/current roles include Knife, Dentist, Wolf, Prince, Young Scrooge...yeah. And stuff.

I attend that one "red" school that is north of where most of you live, I'm about 3 years older than most of you, and I play the flute. I was in a show at that one theatre down there last summer, but most of you won't know that.

So welcome to my blog. :D

I hope I haven't posted anything too odd or sensitive here....


He's a very...nice...prince....

I really shouldn't blog late at night. I shouldn't do anything at night but sleep. I'm whacked out.


Just to clarify somewhat...

Okay. I've had two of my good guy friends express fear because of my "disgusting" post. Let me clarify. I had a very specific guy from my ward in mind when I wrote that post. Aside from the general creepiness of being around him and watching how he watches women, I had a bad experience this summer with a different guy. I'm going to write the details not so you'll all feel bad for me, but just so that you have an idea of where I'm coming from.

I was at work, and noticed a cute Latino guy talking with his friend. (I don't necessarily have anything against Latinos in general, but the culture plays into this, I think.) I'll call him LG for short. LG and I started talking/flirting, and he'd ask me questions. I randomly threw in a Spanish answer just for fun to see if he'd pick up on it. He did. Flirting increased. His friend "left" for a moment, and so LG asked me if I'd like to go to lunch on campus a couple of days later after I got off of work. I was flattered and said yes. (I was also thinking that I liked the fact that it was only lunch and it was on campus, so I didn't have to feel too worried about it.)

On the day specified, he showed up toward the end of my shift, dressed very nicely, and he smelled great. I was excited. He had told me during the previous conversation that he was working full time for the U while finishing his degree, and he was running a very successful business. As we were walking away from my work, he asked if it was alright if the plans changed a bit. He said that he had made appointments with his clients, but would I mind coming along since he also wanted to spend time with me? I agreed, and we then got on TRAX and went to Gateway mall. As we were waiting for the train, we were chatting, and I happened to mention that I was 21. He freaked out. He's 32. He had asked me out under the assumption that I was 25-ish.

We met with his clients, who were fascinating individuals, at A Restaurant. I didn't really eat much at all, since I'd eaten on my break at work. We walked around after that. We went to the movie theatre, thinking we might get tix for later, but we didn't (thank Heaven). As we were talking, he would mention and I would mention from time to time that he was conflicted. He was liking me a lot, but was still freaked out about the age difference. (I can see why, but my ex-boyfriend will turn 30 next month. 32's not a big leap from that, and LG's doing a lot better in many ways than my ex-boyfriend.) After walking around for a while, he asked me if it would be okay if we went back to his place so we could drop off his laptop, and then decide what we wanted to do. I hesitated slightly, but agreed. (Oh, and the reason we took TRAX was that he had recently sold his Mercedes, but the new one he was going to buy wasn't out yet.)

As we were on the train, it was very apparent that we had some good chemistry going on. He's a major flirt, and I can hold my own, so it was a lot of fun. (I should also probably mention that he *is* LDS, and served a mission in Mexico, but in a different part than where he's actually from.)We kept talking about the conflict with tons of chemistry and enjoying being around each other, but the large age difference. We got to his place (he lives in grad student dorms for the med school, but he's not in med school), and he invited me in. He offered me some water, since we'd been walking around in really hot weather. (For those of you who are thinking, Duh, Cinderella!!!, I was very aware of what was going on, and was being very cautious. Plus, there were so many other apartments in the building that I was making sure I'd be okay.) I didn't relax. He turned on some music on his computer, and we were sitting opposite each other, in chairs. We kept talking about books on his desk, about whatever. He just sort of kept *looking* at me, which was flattering in a sense, but I was also trying to be cautious. He sort of stopped and said, "Cinderella, you're like, the coolest girl I've ever met." I said "Thank you," and he leaned over and gave me a hug. I like hugs. A lot. A few seconds later, he hugged me again, and held it there for a bit. It was really nice. We sat back and were talking some more, and once again, he leans forward for a hug, holds it, and starts kissing my neck (I'm cringing, just writing this). I'm weirded out by this, so I pull away, naturally. Funny... conversation really starts lagging after this. *rolls eyes* this happens a couple of times. He comes in for another hug AGAIN , but this time tries to kiss me on the mouth....and it was GROSS. I don't let him. I pull away. I'm really getting annoyed by this point. (YES, I know this sounds terribly naive, but I'd been VERY careful to never put myself in a position where this would have even been an option. I'd never experienced this side of it before.) A couple of minutes later, he tries again. I immediately stiffen, and put my hands up and sit back in my chair, to let him know that this isn't okay. While all of this is going on, I'm trying to suggest things like, "Why don't we walk to my place, and I'll introduce you to my roommates," "Why don't we go back down to the Gateway," "Let's go for a walk..." etc. His continual response: "No, it's too hot outside. Let's just stay here." After I stiffen and let him know that "No," he backs off and says, "Okay, okay, I won't kiss you." I give a very stiff "thank you," and attempt to resume conversation. Well, that killed it. I keep making suggestions, but to no avail. All he'll do is *look* at me. No conversation, no doing something different. 2 minutes later, he's trying to kiss me again. Finally I just get bored, and I'm fed up, so I say, "Oh, look at the time. I need to go home and practice." So I get up, walk out his door, and am standing in front of the elevator.

He comes out and says, "What's going on?? Why did you just storm out of my apartment??" I don't think I stormed out. I had just walked out. What was the big deal? I said, "Well, why don't you come walk with me, and we can talk about it." "Come on....I just want a reason. What's going on?" "Come walk with me, and we can talk about it." "But, but then I'd have to, like, go get my keys and turn off the music on my computer." "So...*sarcastic voice* go get your keys, turn off your music, and let's go." "No, just come back. I promise I won't kiss you." "No. Come walk with me." We go back and forth for 3 or 4 minutes. Finally, I said, "Okay, here's the thing: I'm a very touch-oriented person. As such, I'm very, very careful about who I'll let touch me, how, and where." He nodded, as though he'd heard that excuse before. "Oh, okay. Well, I just needed a reason." "Oh, okay. Well, I do need to go." "Okay." "Well...do you want to at least walk me to the TRAX station?" "Eh.....I think I'll stay here." "Okay, bye."

I push the button on the elevator and wait for it, while praying that he doesn't come back out of his apartment. He doesn't. I leave the building and am walking toward the train station. I didn't even get on. I just kept walking and walking. At first my response was, "Huh. What a weird experience. I've never experienced anything like that before." Kept walking and walking. By the time I'd walked all the way to the Institute (it's a pretty good distance!), it had dawned on me what had happened and what could have happened, and I was UPSET. I have never felt so cheapened in my life. When I got to the Institute, I called my roommate, and she came and got me.

He didn't come back in the next day, but he did try and come back in the following Monday. I gave him the coldest shoulder I possessed, and haven't seen him since.

While it was scary, and I hope I never have to do that again, I learned a lot. I also have a lot to be thankful for. I'm so thankful that it was during the middle of the afternoon, so I could leave and walk to the Institute without having to worry about my safety. I'm thankful that he didn't come back out of his apartment. I'm SO thankful that while we were still in there that he didn't use physical force. SO THANKFUL. God really was watching out for me. I realized when I got home and had a little time to process it that had I been willing, or maybe had I stayed there long enough, we would have had sex. That thought really, really scares/d me...that he would have so little respect for a Daughter of God that....ew. Yeah.

So that's my story. If you've had to go through this, or something worse, my heart goes out to you. If you haven't, may God grant that you never do.

Again, this is not to make you feel sorry for me. I'm a stronger person because of it. I'm also a LOT more careful with all males. It's not personal, and I'm getting over it. Even writing this blog, though hard, helped. Thank you for your patience.


I'm getting good at this.

...which is to say, unintentionally offending people. I apologize to those of you that I have scared off. I'm trying to be more go with the flow, instead of SO WORRIED about everyone around me feeling comfortable and everything going well socially, blah, blah, blah. Yeah, well, so now I get to unintentionally offend. Woo-hoo. This is new for me...kinda.

I went to a jazz concert at the U tonight. It was good, but quite a bit of it sounded the same. There was this FANTASTIC blues, though, that helped break it up. I LOVE Blues music. Major meltage on my part. There was also a cool, jazzed up version of Dvorak's New World Symphony. Awesome. It was the 3rd time I heard them play it, and I still really like it.

I need to go to bed. I should do some sight singing, but I have a slight headache, so I think I'll eat something and go to bed. Good night, Neverland!!! : )

(and JB, if you could take ITW to my parents' house, that would be fantastic. Thanks. You're a doll.)


Here we go 'round the mulberry bush...

Okay, friends...here's the update. Right before Wind Ensemble today, I got a call from the music director, asking if I would like to come to callbacks for the choir. I said yes. She then proceeded to tell me that the callbacks are taking place tomorrow evening, which, incidentally, is the night of my flute choir concert. I can't go down to Orem. I've been feeling like if it's supposed to happen, it'll work out, but I guess this is my "sign." I'm still kinda bummed out about it, though. She says that she'll put me on "reserve" in case she can't quite get the sound she wants at callbacks. Yeah, right. There are so many talented people. I'm not saying that I'm not talented, but there are a lot of talented people that will be called back. Oh well.

For whatever odd reason, I'm still contemplating moving south. Something about I've lived a fairly boring, predictable, responsible life, and I want the chance to be spontaneous and have fun before I have to resign to the Iron Clamp. (Thanks to DC. The Adz made me laugh. Especially the ball and chain.)

I'm just sort of blah. There's something missing, and I think it's my "I've lived a boring life" stuff. Meh. We'll have to see how it goes.


Update No. 2

Okay. So I found out that the callback list that I'm *not* on is for the speaking/stage parts. There is still a possibility of the choir. The director is out of town, and the choir director wasn't able to be at callbacks because she was doing tech/dress rehearsals for a different show that she's in. She and the director need to get together, and apparently they'll be making calls for the choir on Monday-ish. So.....still a possibility. We shall see.


I am for sure not on the callback list. I'm SO okay with that. It would have been much too big a pain to deal with. *whew* Hooray for getting that one out of the way and onward and upward.


My brother was called yesterday at about 3 pm, he said, and requested to come to callbacks for the show. A few other people have been called. I have not. I guess there's still today, but I'm skeptical that I will receive a call. Oddly, I'm really okay with that. I think I've come to the conclusion that I probably would not be able to make it work financially, with school, and with time. There just aren't enough hours in the day. I think I'll have to wait to do a Christmas show until I'm done with school and I don't have finals, etc. I've also kind of realized that living where I do, but driving south to come dancing once a week works well for me. I love my family, and they love me, but we all seem to get along better when I'm not living here...which is fine.

Hahaha....Murphy's Law states that now that I've posted this entry, the theatre will call me and invite me to callbacks. Doubtful, but it would be funny.

One of my dear, dear friends got married yesterday. They had a beautiful reception in his backyard, and his wife looked GORGEOUS. I love his family. I'm pretty sure there was a time when his mother would have really liked us to get married, but it really is better this way. He and I were in a ballroom class my sophomore (his junior) year, and then we were on ballroom team together the following year. I adore him. I hope they're very happy. It's still weird to have friends getting married, friends getting divorced, and friends that have children. Maybe it's weird because I still feel like we're all too young for this to be happening. Most of my friends got married when they were 18 or 19. I'm 21, and don't really picture myself getting married all that soon. My roommate got married almost 2 months ago. She'll turn 29 tomorrow, if not today... and he's 36. They are so awesome together. She's a PhD student, he's doing well with his physical therapy career. Both have never been married before. I admire them a lot...but I'm not there yet.

Life is good. I'm content with where I am. I really got to strengthen my relationships with some people this weekend, which has been awesome. I hope that the strength stays there, despite the fact that the chances that I'll move down are now bleak. Yay for good friends. Yay for good, good family that help me a lot. I don't necessarily know where my path will lead me from this point, but I'm learning to trust God and go with the flow a little more...even when it might not make sense right now. I'm sure I'll look back and say, "Ohhhhhh....that's why I did X, or felt Y. It all fits together now." Faith is a cool thing that I know I don't understand, but hope to someday.


Pieces coming together-ish

Well, it's becoming clearer to me how these puzzle pieces will probably be coming together. It still doesn't make complete sense, and I don't know the reasons, but I do know that I feel okay about everything, no matter what happens. I have a large-ish event happening on Wednesday night, which will sort of solidify everything. I'll keep everyone updated.

Yay for good friends and for life feeling good.

And you know those moments when time just sorta stops? Yeah.......had one of those Saturday after Swing Kids. It was so. nice. MMmmmmmmmmmm.......... :-)


Floating Puzzle Pieces.

Right now, I feel like my life is composed of a bunch of different puzzle pieces that are floating around. I'm trying to make them fit together in some sort of sensical fashion, but they refuse to comply. Argh. It's weird...I feel good and like I'm supposed to be in Salt Lake, but I feel the same thing about Provo (without attending BYU). Some times, I wonder why I'm in Salt Lake. Some times, I wonder why I'm NOT in Salt Lake. Part of me really, really, really wants to move down to Utah County, but it doesn't make logistical sense. How would commuting be? I would drive to Sandy and take TRAX....what about a job? What about an apartment? I pay MUCH better rent than I will probably ever find in Orem/Provo. Or Salt Lake. The nice thing would be that I could live wherever I wanted, since I don't have the Honor Code thing going on. *shrug* More later. Any insights, anyone? I want something to be different, or something feels like it needs to change, but I don't know what. Gah!


My new plan

I'll work out the tweaking as I go along, but I have a new plan.

My plan is to ignore single men. There are a couple of exceptions to this rule, but that's the basic jist. If guys want to contact me, great, but I'm tired of inserting myself where I'm not wanted. I can do frienships with girls just fine (for the most part). I'm tired of almost every single guy I talk to thinking that I'm after him on some level or another. Even if I did like the guy, I WILL NOT make a first move. So even if you're getting thoughts along the lines of "Curses, I think she likes me," fear not, for I will not initiate anything. You're "safe." *rolls eyes*

Sounds like a great plan. If you like me and want to know if I reciprocate, ask. Take a risk. Otherwise, you'll have a hard time finding out.

I'm too open

I'm too open, and too readable. I think being open is good to a point, but it gets tiring after a while. I also freak people out, I think. I don't want to close completely off, but I need to find a happier medium. If the next time you see me, I'm just.....less....of something... Yeah. Just be patient while I figure this all out. If it bothers you, please mention it. I don't want to close people off, but yeah. This made sense to me, whether or not it did to anyone that might read it.



Something's Coming...

[Insert "Something's Coming" music from West Side Story here]

For a while now, I've sort of been feeling like "something great is coming," but I didn't know what that something was.

Today has been really, really interesting. This whole weekend, actually. I've been bursting at the seams with happiness and good emotion. I feel like I've been really close to the Spirit. I feel like I reached some sort of spiritual goal or place that I've been working toward for a while, but I'm not exactly sure where "there" is. It feels really good, though, and it's very exciting. I'm not sure what I've been working toward, though I *do* know that I've been actively working toward *something*....and I've kind of reached it, but I don't know how...maybe by faith...? and I don't know what "it" is, but I'm there, so I'll just kind of run with it. I'm happy, and it feels magnificent and encouraging and enlightening and happy and I know that things are on the path that Heavenly Father wants them to be, and that they will continue to do that.

Maybe that's what "it" is. Maybe I've really just gained a testimony of the fact that God really is in charge, and that He is aware of me and of my situations, if I will but trust Him that He knows what is best for me much more than I could possibly know for myself. I hope this feeling lasts a while, because I love it, and I hope that I eventually get to figure out where I've arrived. I feel like I've been given some strong hints, but I tend to second guess myself. I'm just trying to let go and let God take over.

Wow. I wish I could share this feeling.


Alright, folks, I need to explain something...

I would imagine that a healthy percentage of the people that read this blog know me in person. I also guess that you may be somewhat bewildered by the majority of my posts being written in a very bitter voice. "This doesn't sound at all like Cinderella," you might think.

Well, it's not. I've come to realize that I use this blog as a way to get the yucky stuff out of my system. I type faster than I write, so it's a lot faster to get the so-called "poison" out so that I can heal more quickly. I also don't feel so inclined to write on my blog when I'm feeling content with life, so I'll be trying to do that a bit more. Never you fear, you'll have your regular Cinderella back. :)

I went to see Beauty and the Beast at Hale Center Theatre Orem tonight. It was fanTASTIC. It was only a preview (final dress rehearsal) night, but it was great. It's going to be a good show. My brother's in it. He plays the knife. If you get a chance, I highly recommend it. Get tickets soon, because it will sell out FAST. The choreography's great, the costumes are amazing, and the people are incredible. They stay very, very true to everything, but they have their own twist. I get to go see it at least two more times, and I'm excited to see how the show progresses.

Man, I LOVE theatre. I wish I could do more of it. I'd love to do Christmas Carol at the Hale Center Theatre West Valley, but I think it would be too much for Christmas time. I'll probably have to wait until I'm no longer in school before I do that so I'm not worrying about concerts and finals and juries and stuff like that. I dunno....I really want to be in HCTWV's production of Beauty and the Beast next year, so maybe I'll audition just to get my name and face out there. We'll have to see. HCTWV will also be doing Crazy For You, which is one of my favorite shows ever.

Well, I'm sort of going to bed. I feel better about posting a happy blog. :)



The first counselor in my bishopric has a pool and a jacuzzi, and he's hosting a luau for the ward tonight. I could really, really use the jacuzzi to help loosen up my shoulders since some big bricks decided to make a permanent residence there.

HOWEVER, there are some icky guys in my ward who are, I'm sure, all about seeing "chicks" in bathing suits.

Guys, I *know* that you're guys and I *know* it's built into your system, but there's this fabulous word - RESPECT. Do you think we can't tell when you're totally turned on? I'm not talking "Hey... I admire her and think she's cute. Heck, I wouldn't even mind making out with her." You know what I'm talking about. Do you think we can't tell when you're checking us out? Hello! I'm an eye person. My eyes are up here... remember?

I know that a lot of "normal" girls don't notice...they're too worried about looking "sexy" or whether or not they've gained weight or how tan they "didn't" get. Guess what! I'm just a little more observant than that. Ick, ick and more ICK, with a capital I. I can tell where you're looking, and I'm offended.

It's much more of a compliment if we're having a good conversation and you acknowledge me when I make a good point. I don't give a d*** if you think I'm hot. If you're attracted to me, that's enough for me. I'm a person with feelings and ambitions and a life. Get it? Got it? Good.

Pet Joys

Things I love:

* Being held by someone that I care a lot about that also cares a lot about me.
* Watching "Dear Frankie"
* Hugs from people that have a good touch.
* Guys with good cologne that fits them.
* Fabulous swing dancing with great leads.
* When I master something on flute.
* Alone time.
* Handel's "Messiah."
* White roses
* Almost any rose that isn't red.
* Being in the car with my brother when we're singing at the tops of our lungs.
* Finding a good dance connection.
* Finding a guy attractive (ask for the story if you want it).
* Soft, gentle kisses.
* New clothes (which I will hopefully get soon).
* A source of income (Hopefully get this soon, as well).

I'll write more later. This is just off the top of my head.


Dang you, Tolkien Boy

*Note to self: Do not talk to TB right before bed. May cause inability to sleep.*

I'm here to blog about swing kids this time. I went to the U club tonight, and it was not fun. I turned a boy down on a fast song and gave the excuse that I have tendonitis. I do! I really do have tendonitis, and dancing a very fast song with a beginner is about the bottom of my priority list. I tried to communicate this to the boy, but I don't think it worked. He just looked at me like I was about the lamest girl he'd ever met. I didn't care. I don't come to Swing Kids to have pity on those around me or to find a date for this weekend. I go to dance, and if there aren't any good guys there, I'll leave or do something else. Fine, I didn't want to get to know you anyway. Blah.

I still feel like a jerk for saying no, though. I have to remind myself that it's OKAY to not dance when people ask.

Time for a re-definition of self. I will probably go about it in a different way than I normally do, though. I'm not sure what that will be, but I'm excited for it. Tolkien Boy got me thinking in a different way. Thanks for that. It takes quite the profound thought to render me unable to sleep, which you did.

I'm not perfect. This is something that I am trying to convince myself of. Maybe if I write it out one hundred times I'll get it at some point.

I'm not perfect, and that is okay. I'm not perfect, and that is okay....


Orange, Yellow, Red, what?

No, Juicy, I'm not talking about you.

So I just realized something rather...interesting and amusing. I am a green in private or in small-ish groups, but I flip orange around and in front of large groups of people. I can flip orange, but I don't really need to be or derive enjoyment out of being the center of attention.

I have a roommate who would probably like to be orange, or is orange. I can't decide. Apparently, according to her, "everyone" in our *stake* knows who I am. (Granted, I have been involved in several stake music things, but still....) This really drives her crazy, I think, because she puts SO MUCH effort into getting to know people and becoming well-known. It drives her crazy that when people ask who she lives with and she says me, "everyone" says "Oh, yeah, Cristina..." etc. I think it drives her especially crazy that I don't *try* to do that. I'm surprised when she tells me this. It's a little exhausting to be in groups with her, because she does whatever it takes to be the center of attention, as though I'll be stealing it at any moment. In all honesty, I try to avoid big group things where she's attending. Let her have her orange spotlight. I really don't care that "everyone" knows me. I prefer small situations anyway.

I just thought it was funny. Laughing


BYU *gag*

Once again, friendships altered *insert eye roll here* by what I'm starting to call BYU Poison. It seems that if a guy has attended any form of BYU and he's straight and you want any sort of friendship with him, you must do the following:

* Show interest at some level. Really friendly, moderately friendly, whatever. This must go on for a somewhat brief amount of time. You then must...

* Completely ignore him for a while. LEST he POSSIBLY think that friendliness was actual INterest, completely ignoring him will squash all thoughts that you were "after him." This will once again make you safe to talk to. After this, you must...

* Be careful to show minimal animation in your face at future encounters. Too much eye contact or too big of a smile will confirm his oh-so-deeply rooted fears that you might possibly be interested in something romantic. Heaven forbid.

I give up. I'm friendly with everyone. Is there something inherently wrong with that? Before you go flattering yourself that I'm in love with you, take 30 seconds and see how I behave around everyone else. Did you notice that you're not nearly as special as you thought you were?


Funny RMs

I went to Crimson Nights last night at the Union building (the Utah version of the Wilk), but had to wait in line for a looong time. There were these guys standing behind me whose friends would cut in line with them as they arrived. After about 5 or 10 mintues, there were probably 6 or 7 of them. They were obviously young. After a while, they started checking girls out, but they were doing it in Spanish lest the girl in front of them (heh...) be offended. I don't even know if they were talking about me. I just don't pay any attention when guys start doing that. Well, I did understand enough that I found it intensely entertaining. I was laughing, but was trying to not to do so outwardly so they would keep doing it. It didn't work. I was shaking ever so slightly. One of the guys was walking by me, and turned and said to his friends that he suspected that I understood them. They argued about it for a while until I turned around and said, "En serio." The looks on their faces was priceless. They were shocked. It was really funny. One of them kind of apologized, but it was in that weird, flippant "I'm not *really* sorry but better say I am just in case you were really offended" way. I got a good kick out of it. Maybe they won't be so quick to jump into Spanish next time.



I know you have good intentions, but you do NOT need to keep a running tally on how my life is going. Just because I'm being introverted when you're accustomed to seeing me extroverted, it does NOT mean that I'm not okay. Leave me alone today. No questions asked. Thank you.

Weird Space

So I'm in a weird space. One of my roommates just got married, and two more have guys that they could *very* well end up marrying. It's bordering on disgusting, but not in an "Ick, they're being physical" way. Their happiness/giddiness/whatever is annoying and gross.

As far as Salt Lake goes, I'm not attracted to any of the guys up here that I know, and it seems like the ones I meet are stupid, immature, completely different, obnoxious, obsessed with making out/being physical, scared of girls, or [insert negative quality here]. I'm not attracted to the guys that I "should" be attracted to. That's weird. It's a new thing for me. I usually have at least one guy that I have a crush on.

As for the Provo scene...gas is too expensive for me to date someone who lives down there. I don't have the cash for it, and I don't want to make some poor guy spend that kind of money (unless he really wants to!..:D ) just to be able to see me more than once a week.

I like being by myself and must have alone time to be happy, but only to a point. I have a pretty good idea of what I want, but I'm not sure that the straight version exists in Utah. I'd like to go spend time in England or Spain or New York or Boston or California or somewhere outside of Utah or the podunk states, but I know that I'm supposed to stay at the U to major in music. It's rather frustrating, but what can I do?

I'm also rather tired of being attacked for the things that I value. I have weird tastes! So deal with it! If you think I'm weird, go away.


Phantom of the Opera

I watched 'Phantom of the Opera' tonight...again. I've been trying to figure out why Christine is drawn to the Phantom, and why I always wish she would end up with him instead of with Raoul.

After thinking about it for a while, a conversation I had with a friend came to my head. He told me that he doesn't trust "nice" peoples' (or was it girls') opinions. He doesn't know if they're being honest or just "nice."

The Phantom is not nice. ("You're not good, you're not bad, you're just nice...") There's something about the brooding, secretive and mysterious feel that is attractive. Is it sincerity? Is it that he doesn't bother putting on a facade? Is it the so-called sincerity, or is it the mystery?


Maybe I'll give this a shot...

I was pondering over whether or not I should start another bb thread with some thoughts I was having, but realized they might be better suited for a blog. I thought I might give this blogging thing a shot. No one may care or maybe it will be fun. Or maybe both. :)