Floating Puzzle Pieces.

Right now, I feel like my life is composed of a bunch of different puzzle pieces that are floating around. I'm trying to make them fit together in some sort of sensical fashion, but they refuse to comply. Argh. It's weird...I feel good and like I'm supposed to be in Salt Lake, but I feel the same thing about Provo (without attending BYU). Some times, I wonder why I'm in Salt Lake. Some times, I wonder why I'm NOT in Salt Lake. Part of me really, really, really wants to move down to Utah County, but it doesn't make logistical sense. How would commuting be? I would drive to Sandy and take TRAX....what about a job? What about an apartment? I pay MUCH better rent than I will probably ever find in Orem/Provo. Or Salt Lake. The nice thing would be that I could live wherever I wanted, since I don't have the Honor Code thing going on. *shrug* More later. Any insights, anyone? I want something to be different, or something feels like it needs to change, but I don't know what. Gah!


My new plan

I'll work out the tweaking as I go along, but I have a new plan.

My plan is to ignore single men. There are a couple of exceptions to this rule, but that's the basic jist. If guys want to contact me, great, but I'm tired of inserting myself where I'm not wanted. I can do frienships with girls just fine (for the most part). I'm tired of almost every single guy I talk to thinking that I'm after him on some level or another. Even if I did like the guy, I WILL NOT make a first move. So even if you're getting thoughts along the lines of "Curses, I think she likes me," fear not, for I will not initiate anything. You're "safe." *rolls eyes*

Sounds like a great plan. If you like me and want to know if I reciprocate, ask. Take a risk. Otherwise, you'll have a hard time finding out.

I'm too open

I'm too open, and too readable. I think being open is good to a point, but it gets tiring after a while. I also freak people out, I think. I don't want to close completely off, but I need to find a happier medium. If the next time you see me, I'm just.....less....of something... Yeah. Just be patient while I figure this all out. If it bothers you, please mention it. I don't want to close people off, but yeah. This made sense to me, whether or not it did to anyone that might read it.



Something's Coming...

[Insert "Something's Coming" music from West Side Story here]

For a while now, I've sort of been feeling like "something great is coming," but I didn't know what that something was.

Today has been really, really interesting. This whole weekend, actually. I've been bursting at the seams with happiness and good emotion. I feel like I've been really close to the Spirit. I feel like I reached some sort of spiritual goal or place that I've been working toward for a while, but I'm not exactly sure where "there" is. It feels really good, though, and it's very exciting. I'm not sure what I've been working toward, though I *do* know that I've been actively working toward *something*....and I've kind of reached it, but I don't know how...maybe by faith...? and I don't know what "it" is, but I'm there, so I'll just kind of run with it. I'm happy, and it feels magnificent and encouraging and enlightening and happy and I know that things are on the path that Heavenly Father wants them to be, and that they will continue to do that.

Maybe that's what "it" is. Maybe I've really just gained a testimony of the fact that God really is in charge, and that He is aware of me and of my situations, if I will but trust Him that He knows what is best for me much more than I could possibly know for myself. I hope this feeling lasts a while, because I love it, and I hope that I eventually get to figure out where I've arrived. I feel like I've been given some strong hints, but I tend to second guess myself. I'm just trying to let go and let God take over.

Wow. I wish I could share this feeling.


Alright, folks, I need to explain something...

I would imagine that a healthy percentage of the people that read this blog know me in person. I also guess that you may be somewhat bewildered by the majority of my posts being written in a very bitter voice. "This doesn't sound at all like Cinderella," you might think.

Well, it's not. I've come to realize that I use this blog as a way to get the yucky stuff out of my system. I type faster than I write, so it's a lot faster to get the so-called "poison" out so that I can heal more quickly. I also don't feel so inclined to write on my blog when I'm feeling content with life, so I'll be trying to do that a bit more. Never you fear, you'll have your regular Cinderella back. :)

I went to see Beauty and the Beast at Hale Center Theatre Orem tonight. It was fanTASTIC. It was only a preview (final dress rehearsal) night, but it was great. It's going to be a good show. My brother's in it. He plays the knife. If you get a chance, I highly recommend it. Get tickets soon, because it will sell out FAST. The choreography's great, the costumes are amazing, and the people are incredible. They stay very, very true to everything, but they have their own twist. I get to go see it at least two more times, and I'm excited to see how the show progresses.

Man, I LOVE theatre. I wish I could do more of it. I'd love to do Christmas Carol at the Hale Center Theatre West Valley, but I think it would be too much for Christmas time. I'll probably have to wait until I'm no longer in school before I do that so I'm not worrying about concerts and finals and juries and stuff like that. I dunno....I really want to be in HCTWV's production of Beauty and the Beast next year, so maybe I'll audition just to get my name and face out there. We'll have to see. HCTWV will also be doing Crazy For You, which is one of my favorite shows ever.

Well, I'm sort of going to bed. I feel better about posting a happy blog. :)



The first counselor in my bishopric has a pool and a jacuzzi, and he's hosting a luau for the ward tonight. I could really, really use the jacuzzi to help loosen up my shoulders since some big bricks decided to make a permanent residence there.

HOWEVER, there are some icky guys in my ward who are, I'm sure, all about seeing "chicks" in bathing suits.

Guys, I *know* that you're guys and I *know* it's built into your system, but there's this fabulous word - RESPECT. Do you think we can't tell when you're totally turned on? I'm not talking "Hey... I admire her and think she's cute. Heck, I wouldn't even mind making out with her." You know what I'm talking about. Do you think we can't tell when you're checking us out? Hello! I'm an eye person. My eyes are up here... remember?

I know that a lot of "normal" girls don't notice...they're too worried about looking "sexy" or whether or not they've gained weight or how tan they "didn't" get. Guess what! I'm just a little more observant than that. Ick, ick and more ICK, with a capital I. I can tell where you're looking, and I'm offended.

It's much more of a compliment if we're having a good conversation and you acknowledge me when I make a good point. I don't give a d*** if you think I'm hot. If you're attracted to me, that's enough for me. I'm a person with feelings and ambitions and a life. Get it? Got it? Good.

Pet Joys

Things I love:

* Being held by someone that I care a lot about that also cares a lot about me.
* Watching "Dear Frankie"
* Hugs from people that have a good touch.
* Guys with good cologne that fits them.
* Fabulous swing dancing with great leads.
* When I master something on flute.
* Alone time.
* Handel's "Messiah."
* White roses
* Almost any rose that isn't red.
* Being in the car with my brother when we're singing at the tops of our lungs.
* Finding a good dance connection.
* Finding a guy attractive (ask for the story if you want it).
* Soft, gentle kisses.
* New clothes (which I will hopefully get soon).
* A source of income (Hopefully get this soon, as well).

I'll write more later. This is just off the top of my head.


Dang you, Tolkien Boy

*Note to self: Do not talk to TB right before bed. May cause inability to sleep.*

I'm here to blog about swing kids this time. I went to the U club tonight, and it was not fun. I turned a boy down on a fast song and gave the excuse that I have tendonitis. I do! I really do have tendonitis, and dancing a very fast song with a beginner is about the bottom of my priority list. I tried to communicate this to the boy, but I don't think it worked. He just looked at me like I was about the lamest girl he'd ever met. I didn't care. I don't come to Swing Kids to have pity on those around me or to find a date for this weekend. I go to dance, and if there aren't any good guys there, I'll leave or do something else. Fine, I didn't want to get to know you anyway. Blah.

I still feel like a jerk for saying no, though. I have to remind myself that it's OKAY to not dance when people ask.

Time for a re-definition of self. I will probably go about it in a different way than I normally do, though. I'm not sure what that will be, but I'm excited for it. Tolkien Boy got me thinking in a different way. Thanks for that. It takes quite the profound thought to render me unable to sleep, which you did.

I'm not perfect. This is something that I am trying to convince myself of. Maybe if I write it out one hundred times I'll get it at some point.

I'm not perfect, and that is okay. I'm not perfect, and that is okay....


Orange, Yellow, Red, what?

No, Juicy, I'm not talking about you.

So I just realized something rather...interesting and amusing. I am a green in private or in small-ish groups, but I flip orange around and in front of large groups of people. I can flip orange, but I don't really need to be or derive enjoyment out of being the center of attention.

I have a roommate who would probably like to be orange, or is orange. I can't decide. Apparently, according to her, "everyone" in our *stake* knows who I am. (Granted, I have been involved in several stake music things, but still....) This really drives her crazy, I think, because she puts SO MUCH effort into getting to know people and becoming well-known. It drives her crazy that when people ask who she lives with and she says me, "everyone" says "Oh, yeah, Cristina..." etc. I think it drives her especially crazy that I don't *try* to do that. I'm surprised when she tells me this. It's a little exhausting to be in groups with her, because she does whatever it takes to be the center of attention, as though I'll be stealing it at any moment. In all honesty, I try to avoid big group things where she's attending. Let her have her orange spotlight. I really don't care that "everyone" knows me. I prefer small situations anyway.

I just thought it was funny. Laughing