Freak Out!

**disclaimer: I'm quite tired and just home from a road trip. I'm happy to accept the fact that I'm whacked out.**

Okay, I just came back from visiting my 'boyfriend,' and kinda started freaking out. I do this from time to time, unfortunately, when stuff that sounds like being married to any kind of teacher, living in Provo, having a handful of kids and fulfilling my callings sounds absolutely repulsive and is only meant to rob me of the life I should be living. Which is now.

I'm not saying the kid proposed marriage. He didn't. Maybe I'm still living in my fairy-tale land, or am at least wanting to. My fairy tale land involves a man who is a very successful MBA and makes loads of cash. This way, we might not have to *seriously* worry about finances. Not only does he make tons of cash, he manages it well. He's 6'4." He is classy enough to handle the most elegant of situations, is highly responsible, and doesn't make me go camping or play sports if I don't want to. He has a very sexy taste in music, involving a lot of jazz and blues, and even enjoys going to the theatre. He is, however, straight. And in love with me. He could, however, do small-ish town (like Orem, because I *really* do not want to live anywhere smaller), but still bring the New York upper-class 'feel.' And he won't be upset if I only want to have 2 kids. Tops. Maybe just one. If that. He makes possible and supports me in my dream of playing in an orchestra, but if I decide I want to quit tomorrow, that's ok with him as well. I get to support him in his career, and he will come to me with his complex problems, and I will provide genious insights that he would never have gotten if he weren't married to me. We will go out frequently for food and find cool, eclectic, ethnic restaurants, and will never, ever complain about the bill, because it's ...hello! Pocket change! and will be so excited when he finds somewhere new we can go. We'll spend chilly evenings on our luscious couch (we don't have kids yet...not even close) with hot chocolate or cider in one hand, our individual books in another, in front of a *real* fire. I'll keep the apartment spotless (it'll be fairly easy since we don't have kids), and I'll be super-involved in cool stuff. He is the sexiest man alive, and finds me to be the sexiest woman alive and cannot possibly imagine being with anyone else but me. I can't imagine being with anyone else but him. He speaks well and writes well.

The list goes on, but I have to get up early and I'm not going to get anywhere near enough sleep tonight.

I think I'm just going to go pray that this freaking out be temporary. Actually, no I'm not. I'm going to ask Him to bless me with peace to know that He's in charge. I'm going to stop thinking about it and planning and just trust Him that He'll take care of everything after I've given it a shot and failed most horribly.

I hope it works, because I'm kinda not really attracted to Lover Boy (LB for short) right now. Luckily, I won't see the kid until Saturday, so we'll see.........


*eek!!!*

Suggestions? Anyone? Anyone? Bueller?