I think I'm getting sick of music.

To those of you who've known me for a long time, this may come as a big shock. Especially since I started playing piano at age 5. I started flute in seventh grade, and haven't stopped since. In high school, I *loved* band and orchestra. Most of the time. But I also loved choir, Spanish and ballroom dance.

That may be some of my problem. I've finally figured out that music majors and true "musicians" are really supposed to love music. They're supposed to know who the famous people are related to their instrument, whether living or dead. They're supposed to know and love the famous repertoire of their instrument and have a life long goal to play everything perfectly and memorized with an orchestra in Carnegie Hall.

I don't! I think I've frustrated my teacher since I arrived at School because I don't really know the flute repertoire (though I'm getting better), and I only recognize the names of those who are old or dead. Whenever famous flute players come to town, it feels like I'm the only one in the studio that doesn't buzz with excitement and anticipation. I don't *need* to be there. I 'm now only doing flute choir because I need the credit to graduate. I only went to the flute convention this year to play politics (and, apparently, to spend a lot of money). I'm sick of hearing the same things from the conductors rehearsal after rehearsal after rehearsal, and I'm tired of knowing that I'll never be "the best."

I'm just glad that my apathy is showing signs of allowing me (at least...) to finish the school year (I hope!) without going completely crazy. It's not like it's no fun -- it still is -- I just don't derive as much fun as I have. Maybe as the ensembles get better I'll have more fun. Maybe it's just beginning of the semester blues. I'm also fairly certain that my lack of sleep over the last couple of months isn't helping, either. Right now, I'd love to sleep for about a week straight.

Oddly, I'm kind of looking forward to a job that I work for 40 hours a week with a lunch hour and the ability to just go home at night. Then maybe I can read books and learn how to do fun things that are in no way related to music.



I'm getting married in a day and a half. For the most part, it just feels like the next step and like it just needs to happen. I have the occasional moment of !FREAK OUT!, but those moments are becoming fewer and further between. It's just time.

I really cannot endorse getting married during school. Even though this was just the 'right time' for us, doing so during a semester of school is pretty tough. Thankfully, my mom and I are of the minimalist sort, and she's been a huge help. I've just been able to toss things at her that need to be taken care of that I can't do because I have to be in class/rehearsal. She and "Anne" (who's helping with the reception and general wedding things) have been so much more detail-oriented than I could ever have been.

I'm learning that weddings, like life, have give-and-take. I put my foot down about things that really matter to me. With other things that I don't really care about, I let those who do care do something that makes them happy and that helps them to feel like they can contribute.

I'm really looking forward to getting to spend some time with my extended family and The Franchise's family, and I'm looking forward to being married. Despite my inability to stay completely afloat with school and practicing and all, life is pretty dang good.