Those fingers in my hair....that sly, "come hither" stare that strips my conscience bare, it's witchcraft.

Patience, [Cinderella], patience.

Missionary Brother left yesterday. I can honestly say that Tuesday night was more difficult than Wednesday. Wednesday would have been tougher, but I made myself not cry, and I refused to watch him walk to the other side of the room. I got close. I was choking, but I didn't cry.

I've been more sensitive to life lately. It's good, I think, because I'd rather feel stuff than be dead to the world, but I'm sure it annoys the guys around me. Thank Heaven I've mostly been around family lately.

It amazes me that you can mean so much to some people and other people just brush you aside.

Guy2 is now engaged. He's so happy, and I'm very happy for him. I almost got to meet his fiancee, but she didn't show up while I was at his place. It was really odd last night. I dreamt that he and I were hanging out, and that he kept trying to kiss me. "[Guy2], you're engaged!" "So what?" *shove* "You can't kiss me!" "Why not?" *another attempt to kiss me* *shove* "Hello!! What about J****!?!" "It doesn't matter!" *shove* "Yes it does!! Go away!" *shove* Weird. Funny, but very weird.

I'm starting to get it through my head that Hometown is a completely different world, and that maybe that world is surreal. It's been so nice to be with my family this week, but I think I'm ready to go back to 'real life.'

I think, SC, that fiction vs. reality are very subjective to one's own life. Does optimism necessarily have to be fiction? There are lots of horrible, terrible things in life, but there are also a lot of really good things. Is it worse to ignore the bad things and focus "too heavily" on the good things than it is to overly focus on the bad things while ignoring the good things? I don't think that I'm a terrible person for not being depressed about the starvation that I know exists in the world and being happy that I get to back to work tomorrow (for example). Or maybe I'm missing your point completely?

Sometimes Hometown seems like "reality" and/or "home." It depends on the day, though. Sometimes it feels like someplace to visit and College Place is my "real" home. That's where I work. That's where I go to school. That's where I spend the majority of my time. However, College Place doesn't feel "real" because I live with roommates. It doesn't feel "real," because I know that when school's over, I'll probably move. It's not somewhere I have planted roots. It changes a lot. I'm strung in the middle, I suppose. The people I really care about live in Hometown - my family. I work and live in College Place.

I'm tired and getting rambly. Good night.

1 comment:

Saule Cogneur said...

Yeah, you missed my point completely, and that’s probably my fault. I had to be vague for legal reasons. It’s not about depression or the supposed senselessness of optimism. It’s about the occasional “if.” Let’s say your flute instructor was secretly a child molester. Would you want to know?