It's a little lumpy, but it rings.

I was going to try to write a somewhat coherent, cohesive post instead of just random thoughts, but that's all that's swirling.

Now's a really interesting time for me. I simultaneously have a pretty good grip on who I am and what I want, but I still have a TON to learn about myself and life and the Savior and the gospel.

I'm really glad that Chilean friend is back in Chile...and that I won't see him for at least a few months, if not a year. He just e-mailed me, though. Ick.

So many things feel good and right and the way they're supposed to be. Contrast in other things could either mean that they're not right, or that I have insufficient information. The frustrating thing is that only time will tell. Have I mentioned that patience is not my strong point?

The more I learn about myself, and other people in general, the more things narrow. I know it's a good thing, but it's simultaneously frustrating, as it increases the number of people that don't fit. Trying to smash a square peg in a circular hole never did anyone any good, except maybe to realize that it doesn't fit. :)

I got to spend some time with Observant Friend over the weekend. He's fantastic, and I adore him, but nothing will ever happen romantically. He's 17 years older than I am, and that's just too much. Even if the age gap wasn't there, we're VERY different. We talked about life and mutual friends. It was interesting to compare notes and to see how many of our conclusions were similar, and what the differences were. He wants to know the link to my blog, but I'm nervous to give it to him. He's an English guy, and even taught at UVSC for a while. I'm always nervous that my English friends are going to critique my blog, even though "it doesn't matter." It's my blog! I shouldn't care, but I do. *shrug*

I think I have a "fear" (for lack of a better word) of being misunderstood. It's so easy to let other things interfere....the way something is phrased, tone of voice, and the context. I realized that I give people their opinions of me instead of letting them form their own. I'll start thoughts out with, "I know this will sound [insert adjective here- i.e. weird, dumb], but...." On one hand, I like being the outsider, but on the other hand, I want to be "normal." I'm probably more normal than I'll let myself believe. I'm going to stop pre-apologizing. I'm going to stop worrying. I'm just going to do my best to be me, and let the chips fall as they may. I spend too much time worrying what peoples' reactions to me will be. I don't think about it all the time, but it's more of an underlying thing that surfaced recently.

I forget how much I like having the house to myself when the sun is shining, a breeze is blowing, and I can just be.