An interesting question

Laulau posed an interesting question on her blog:

Does what matters now matter later?

I would say yes and no. For me, when there are people/things in my life that I care a lot about, I tend to *do* stuff in relation to them, which teaches me a lot, which helps me later in different situations.

For example: Guys I've dated in the past. I'm SO glad that I didn't marry my first boyfriend out of high school. I've learned things about myself and my life that I wouldn't have learned any other way. At times, I've thought, "What's the point of getting involved if it doesn't work out?" Then I think, "How do you know it won't work out until you actually give it a shot?" "Yes, but what if I get hurt again? I'm tired of it!"

I found myself thinking today that I'm afraid of *blank* and *blank*. (You may think you know what goes in the blanks, but don't be so sure. :) ) After this thought process led me lower and lower, and I started feeling crummier and crummier, a thought popped into my head that there's a scripture somewhere about Heavenly Father not giving us feelings of fear, but of peace, etc. So I started to look up 'fear,' and found a few REALLY neat scriptures that pulled me out of my 'funk.' I remembered that I need to be patient, have faith, and go forward without having fear.

So this week is going to be awesome, because I'm going to make a conscious effort to eliminate as much fear as I can.

I also had an awesome Halloween costume last night that was tons of fun, and actually made people laugh. :D And I get to hang out with my family tonight, tomorrow and Tuesday. And I get to carve a pumpkin tomorrow. And I get to go look at Brozy's house. And it's fall....YUM. And I get to apply for jobs, and contemplate the possibilities of moving down. And I get to start a new week. It's going to be GREAT! And maybe I'll start planning my theoretical trip to Disneyland next fall, because it's been a while since I've been there. Road trip, anyone? (And I'm only half kidding about that...)

Into the Woods

"He's a very nice prince..."
"And?"
"It's a very nice ball..."
"And?"
"And...*gasp* When I entered, they trumpeted..."
"And...the prince?"
"Oh, the prince..."
"Yes, the prince."
"Well, he's tall."
"Is that all? Did you dance? Is he charming? They say that he's charming..."
"We did nothing *but* dance..."
"Yes....and??"
"..and it made a nice change..."
"No, the prince!"
"Oh, the prince?"
"Yes, the prince!"
"He has charm for a prince, I guess..."
"Guess?"
"I don't meet a wide range, and it's all very strange..."

I still may...

...do something drastic like move back down to Utah County. Not necessarily for any good reason other than I'm single, and I can. So there. However, the holidays are upon us, and it would be nice to be close to my family, and my brother's going to be going on a mission soon, so to be able to be home for the call, etc. etc. would be tons of fun. I may not move back. I don't know. *shrug* I'm coming down either later tonight or in the morning, andI'll probably stay through Tuesday. I'll probably do some job hunting, some DC ticket purchasing, some sitting in the hot tub, some enjoying of the family, some practicing and some homework. And watching of movies. :D And I get to go to the dentist. The day after Halloween. Good thing I'm not planning on eating a ton of candy......well...maybe just a little bit.... :D

New job

So my project at my current job will be finishing this week. That means that I need to find a new job fairly quickly. I applied and was interviewed for a banquet server at a very popular dining location downtown...in a building that holds a lot of wedding receptions...where you might see GAs walking around...that has a great view of a rather large and spiky building....Yeah.

And then I realized that I don't think I want the job, even if it's offered to me. Maybe it's because I took a nap today and woke up feeling tired and having little energy, but to have a restaurant-type job where you're constantly "Ohmygosh, like, HI!! How are you today??" sounded extremely draining. Then I came to realize that while I enjoy people, I've enjoyed being given a project, being told, "K, do it," and then being left alone for the most part. I don't like people breathing down my neck.

So to have a job like that involving all of those things...yeah...I'm not so sure about that. Maybe I can get my people fix without having it be through my job. Maybe a secretarial job would be good...or maybe I could find a way to do what I really want...which is to teach private flute lessons.

And there are other....Um....yeah....

*shrug*

Who knows? I'm excited to see how life turns out, to be sure.

It's me...

hehe...

I just posted on my brother's friend's blog, so I'm sure a bunch of them will all wander over here wondering who this "Cinderella" girl is. Funny thing is, they know me and won't know it! [insert evil cackle here]

Just to give clues, since this is a blog, my brother is often involved with theatre. Some of his recent/current roles include Knife, Dentist, Wolf, Prince, Young Scrooge...yeah. And stuff.

I attend that one "red" school that is north of where most of you live, I'm about 3 years older than most of you, and I play the flute. I was in a show at that one theatre down there last summer, but most of you won't know that.

So welcome to my blog. :D

I hope I haven't posted anything too odd or sensitive here....

He's a very...nice...prince....

I really shouldn't blog late at night. I shouldn't do anything at night but sleep. I'm whacked out.

Just to clarify somewhat...

Okay. I've had two of my good guy friends express fear because of my "disgusting" post. Let me clarify. I had a very specific guy from my ward in mind when I wrote that post. Aside from the general creepiness of being around him and watching how he watches women, I had a bad experience this summer with a different guy. I'm going to write the details not so you'll all feel bad for me, but just so that you have an idea of where I'm coming from.

I was at work, and noticed a cute Latino guy talking with his friend. (I don't necessarily have anything against Latinos in general, but the culture plays into this, I think.) I'll call him LG for short. LG and I started talking/flirting, and he'd ask me questions. I randomly threw in a Spanish answer just for fun to see if he'd pick up on it. He did. Flirting increased. His friend "left" for a moment, and so LG asked me if I'd like to go to lunch on campus a couple of days later after I got off of work. I was flattered and said yes. (I was also thinking that I liked the fact that it was only lunch and it was on campus, so I didn't have to feel too worried about it.)

On the day specified, he showed up toward the end of my shift, dressed very nicely, and he smelled great. I was excited. He had told me during the previous conversation that he was working full time for the U while finishing his degree, and he was running a very successful business. As we were walking away from my work, he asked if it was alright if the plans changed a bit. He said that he had made appointments with his clients, but would I mind coming along since he also wanted to spend time with me? I agreed, and we then got on TRAX and went to Gateway mall. As we were waiting for the train, we were chatting, and I happened to mention that I was 21. He freaked out. He's 32. He had asked me out under the assumption that I was 25-ish.

We met with his clients, who were fascinating individuals, at A Restaurant. I didn't really eat much at all, since I'd eaten on my break at work. We walked around after that. We went to the movie theatre, thinking we might get tix for later, but we didn't (thank Heaven). As we were talking, he would mention and I would mention from time to time that he was conflicted. He was liking me a lot, but was still freaked out about the age difference. (I can see why, but my ex-boyfriend will turn 30 next month. 32's not a big leap from that, and LG's doing a lot better in many ways than my ex-boyfriend.) After walking around for a while, he asked me if it would be okay if we went back to his place so we could drop off his laptop, and then decide what we wanted to do. I hesitated slightly, but agreed. (Oh, and the reason we took TRAX was that he had recently sold his Mercedes, but the new one he was going to buy wasn't out yet.)

As we were on the train, it was very apparent that we had some good chemistry going on. He's a major flirt, and I can hold my own, so it was a lot of fun. (I should also probably mention that he *is* LDS, and served a mission in Mexico, but in a different part than where he's actually from.)We kept talking about the conflict with tons of chemistry and enjoying being around each other, but the large age difference. We got to his place (he lives in grad student dorms for the med school, but he's not in med school), and he invited me in. He offered me some water, since we'd been walking around in really hot weather. (For those of you who are thinking, Duh, Cinderella!!!, I was very aware of what was going on, and was being very cautious. Plus, there were so many other apartments in the building that I was making sure I'd be okay.) I didn't relax. He turned on some music on his computer, and we were sitting opposite each other, in chairs. We kept talking about books on his desk, about whatever. He just sort of kept *looking* at me, which was flattering in a sense, but I was also trying to be cautious. He sort of stopped and said, "Cinderella, you're like, the coolest girl I've ever met." I said "Thank you," and he leaned over and gave me a hug. I like hugs. A lot. A few seconds later, he hugged me again, and held it there for a bit. It was really nice. We sat back and were talking some more, and once again, he leans forward for a hug, holds it, and starts kissing my neck (I'm cringing, just writing this). I'm weirded out by this, so I pull away, naturally. Funny... conversation really starts lagging after this. *rolls eyes* this happens a couple of times. He comes in for another hug AGAIN , but this time tries to kiss me on the mouth....and it was GROSS. I don't let him. I pull away. I'm really getting annoyed by this point. (YES, I know this sounds terribly naive, but I'd been VERY careful to never put myself in a position where this would have even been an option. I'd never experienced this side of it before.) A couple of minutes later, he tries again. I immediately stiffen, and put my hands up and sit back in my chair, to let him know that this isn't okay. While all of this is going on, I'm trying to suggest things like, "Why don't we walk to my place, and I'll introduce you to my roommates," "Why don't we go back down to the Gateway," "Let's go for a walk..." etc. His continual response: "No, it's too hot outside. Let's just stay here." After I stiffen and let him know that "No," he backs off and says, "Okay, okay, I won't kiss you." I give a very stiff "thank you," and attempt to resume conversation. Well, that killed it. I keep making suggestions, but to no avail. All he'll do is *look* at me. No conversation, no doing something different. 2 minutes later, he's trying to kiss me again. Finally I just get bored, and I'm fed up, so I say, "Oh, look at the time. I need to go home and practice." So I get up, walk out his door, and am standing in front of the elevator.

He comes out and says, "What's going on?? Why did you just storm out of my apartment??" I don't think I stormed out. I had just walked out. What was the big deal? I said, "Well, why don't you come walk with me, and we can talk about it." "Come on....I just want a reason. What's going on?" "Come walk with me, and we can talk about it." "But, but then I'd have to, like, go get my keys and turn off the music on my computer." "So...*sarcastic voice* go get your keys, turn off your music, and let's go." "No, just come back. I promise I won't kiss you." "No. Come walk with me." We go back and forth for 3 or 4 minutes. Finally, I said, "Okay, here's the thing: I'm a very touch-oriented person. As such, I'm very, very careful about who I'll let touch me, how, and where." He nodded, as though he'd heard that excuse before. "Oh, okay. Well, I just needed a reason." "Oh, okay. Well, I do need to go." "Okay." "Well...do you want to at least walk me to the TRAX station?" "Eh.....I think I'll stay here." "Okay, bye."

I push the button on the elevator and wait for it, while praying that he doesn't come back out of his apartment. He doesn't. I leave the building and am walking toward the train station. I didn't even get on. I just kept walking and walking. At first my response was, "Huh. What a weird experience. I've never experienced anything like that before." Kept walking and walking. By the time I'd walked all the way to the Institute (it's a pretty good distance!), it had dawned on me what had happened and what could have happened, and I was UPSET. I have never felt so cheapened in my life. When I got to the Institute, I called my roommate, and she came and got me.

He didn't come back in the next day, but he did try and come back in the following Monday. I gave him the coldest shoulder I possessed, and haven't seen him since.

While it was scary, and I hope I never have to do that again, I learned a lot. I also have a lot to be thankful for. I'm so thankful that it was during the middle of the afternoon, so I could leave and walk to the Institute without having to worry about my safety. I'm thankful that he didn't come back out of his apartment. I'm SO thankful that while we were still in there that he didn't use physical force. SO THANKFUL. God really was watching out for me. I realized when I got home and had a little time to process it that had I been willing, or maybe had I stayed there long enough, we would have had sex. That thought really, really scares/d me...that he would have so little respect for a Daughter of God that....ew. Yeah.

So that's my story. If you've had to go through this, or something worse, my heart goes out to you. If you haven't, may God grant that you never do.

Again, this is not to make you feel sorry for me. I'm a stronger person because of it. I'm also a LOT more careful with all males. It's not personal, and I'm getting over it. Even writing this blog, though hard, helped. Thank you for your patience.

I'm getting good at this.

...which is to say, unintentionally offending people. I apologize to those of you that I have scared off. I'm trying to be more go with the flow, instead of SO WORRIED about everyone around me feeling comfortable and everything going well socially, blah, blah, blah. Yeah, well, so now I get to unintentionally offend. Woo-hoo. This is new for me...kinda.

I went to a jazz concert at the U tonight. It was good, but quite a bit of it sounded the same. There was this FANTASTIC blues, though, that helped break it up. I LOVE Blues music. Major meltage on my part. There was also a cool, jazzed up version of Dvorak's New World Symphony. Awesome. It was the 3rd time I heard them play it, and I still really like it.

I need to go to bed. I should do some sight singing, but I have a slight headache, so I think I'll eat something and go to bed. Good night, Neverland!!! : )


(and JB, if you could take ITW to my parents' house, that would be fantastic. Thanks. You're a doll.)

Here we go 'round the mulberry bush...

Okay, friends...here's the update. Right before Wind Ensemble today, I got a call from the music director, asking if I would like to come to callbacks for the choir. I said yes. She then proceeded to tell me that the callbacks are taking place tomorrow evening, which, incidentally, is the night of my flute choir concert. I can't go down to Orem. I've been feeling like if it's supposed to happen, it'll work out, but I guess this is my "sign." I'm still kinda bummed out about it, though. She says that she'll put me on "reserve" in case she can't quite get the sound she wants at callbacks. Yeah, right. There are so many talented people. I'm not saying that I'm not talented, but there are a lot of talented people that will be called back. Oh well.

For whatever odd reason, I'm still contemplating moving south. Something about I've lived a fairly boring, predictable, responsible life, and I want the chance to be spontaneous and have fun before I have to resign to the Iron Clamp. (Thanks to DC. The Adz made me laugh. Especially the ball and chain.)

I'm just sort of blah. There's something missing, and I think it's my "I've lived a boring life" stuff. Meh. We'll have to see how it goes.

Update No. 2

Okay. So I found out that the callback list that I'm *not* on is for the speaking/stage parts. There is still a possibility of the choir. The director is out of town, and the choir director wasn't able to be at callbacks because she was doing tech/dress rehearsals for a different show that she's in. She and the director need to get together, and apparently they'll be making calls for the choir on Monday-ish. So.....still a possibility. We shall see.

Update

I am for sure not on the callback list. I'm SO okay with that. It would have been much too big a pain to deal with. *whew* Hooray for getting that one out of the way and onward and upward.

Hmmm

My brother was called yesterday at about 3 pm, he said, and requested to come to callbacks for the show. A few other people have been called. I have not. I guess there's still today, but I'm skeptical that I will receive a call. Oddly, I'm really okay with that. I think I've come to the conclusion that I probably would not be able to make it work financially, with school, and with time. There just aren't enough hours in the day. I think I'll have to wait to do a Christmas show until I'm done with school and I don't have finals, etc. I've also kind of realized that living where I do, but driving south to come dancing once a week works well for me. I love my family, and they love me, but we all seem to get along better when I'm not living here...which is fine.

Hahaha....Murphy's Law states that now that I've posted this entry, the theatre will call me and invite me to callbacks. Doubtful, but it would be funny.

One of my dear, dear friends got married yesterday. They had a beautiful reception in his backyard, and his wife looked GORGEOUS. I love his family. I'm pretty sure there was a time when his mother would have really liked us to get married, but it really is better this way. He and I were in a ballroom class my sophomore (his junior) year, and then we were on ballroom team together the following year. I adore him. I hope they're very happy. It's still weird to have friends getting married, friends getting divorced, and friends that have children. Maybe it's weird because I still feel like we're all too young for this to be happening. Most of my friends got married when they were 18 or 19. I'm 21, and don't really picture myself getting married all that soon. My roommate got married almost 2 months ago. She'll turn 29 tomorrow, if not today... and he's 36. They are so awesome together. She's a PhD student, he's doing well with his physical therapy career. Both have never been married before. I admire them a lot...but I'm not there yet.

Life is good. I'm content with where I am. I really got to strengthen my relationships with some people this weekend, which has been awesome. I hope that the strength stays there, despite the fact that the chances that I'll move down are now bleak. Yay for good friends. Yay for good, good family that help me a lot. I don't necessarily know where my path will lead me from this point, but I'm learning to trust God and go with the flow a little more...even when it might not make sense right now. I'm sure I'll look back and say, "Ohhhhhh....that's why I did X, or felt Y. It all fits together now." Faith is a cool thing that I know I don't understand, but hope to someday.

Pieces coming together-ish

Well, it's becoming clearer to me how these puzzle pieces will probably be coming together. It still doesn't make complete sense, and I don't know the reasons, but I do know that I feel okay about everything, no matter what happens. I have a large-ish event happening on Wednesday night, which will sort of solidify everything. I'll keep everyone updated.

Yay for good friends and for life feeling good.

And you know those moments when time just sorta stops? Yeah.......had one of those Saturday after Swing Kids. It was so. nice. MMmmmmmmmmmm.......... :-)