"It's a very nice ball..."

"...and?"
"And... *gasp* When I entered, they trumpeted."
"And, the prince?"
"Oh, the prince?"
"Yes, the prince!"
"Well, he's tall."

My date last night was fine. Not wonderful, not bad. Fine. He's a very nice guy, and we had a great time with the other couple, but there wasn't sparkage.

I'm losing patience with dating in general. I have a date with a guy that I go to school with next Friday, but after that, I don't think I'll go on dates for a while. I have more important things to do like practicing my flute, and things I'd rather do like swing dance. I'm tired of the awkwardness. I'm tired of feeling bad about guys spending money on me. Why does dating have to feel so formal?

SchoolGuy and I had an interesting phone conversation after my date left last night. One of the things that I told him was that I hate being externally forced to do things. After five months of dating my exboyfriend, I discovered that the guy is *passionate* about politics. Since I had been apathetic, I would get my ears talked off for HOURS and HOURS about politics and all the issues that were going on, etc. It was funny how I immediately wanted to register myself as a Democrat and research all the liberal opinions so I could throw them at him, whether or not I actually believed them. He also believed that a married couple could not be 'completely unified in all things' if they didn't feel the same way politically. I do not believe that you have to be conservative and/or Republican to be a good member of the Church. He did/does. I mentioned a few of these things to SchoolGuy last night, and he told me that he used to think that Democrats couldn't be good members of the Church, but that he doesn't feel that way any more. He also told me that he used to feel that passionately about politics but doesn't "as much." ("Right," I think. "You're just attracted to me and don't want to offend me.") Politics don't matter to me. Since they don't, I can't come up with an intrinsic reason to feel any particular way, which will make me resentful when someone tries to force me. He also mentioned that his parents feel that his marrying a staunch Democrat would be almost as bad as marrying someone outside of the Church.

Why can't I just be my own person? Why do I have to be so green and so accomodating? This is why I'm out to become more purply/red without having my guilt kick in. I keep telling editorgirl that I flip purple around her, which is good. Very good. Very healthy. It's actually working, and I'm learning how to do what's best for me and minimize the guilt complex. It's so great and so refreshing. It's slow going sometimes, but I am making progress. It relieves a lot of stress in my life, which is good.

Thank you all for being wonderful friends. If you're still reading, props to you. You're amazing.

To clarify:

My last post had two separate thoughts. My date tomorrow has nothing to do with the 'feeling safe' comments. If I felt unsafe, I would have declined. I think it will be great.

The safety thoughts came as I was contemplating the different guys in my life and why I have either retained or lost attraction to them, and I realized that almost all of the reasons boil down to 'safety.' I try, however, to not pass judgment until at least the first date. *shrug* Every case is different.

It's all about feeling safe, guys.

The trick? It's all about feeling safe. Literally and figuratively speaking.

I'm wondering if I should have declined politely for Friday. I'm sure he'll be great company, but I'm not sure I'm up to par. I will go. It will be great. I'll be okay by then. I'm hoping, anyway.

Happy New Year

Today I:

Made Ham and Potato Soup
Went grocery shopping
Was flirted with by the clerk at the grocery store
Watched Cinderella
Made a good attempt at avoiding my oncoming cold
Sang

Will try to:
Practice flute
Pick up my room

Happy 29th (okay, technically 30th) of December.

It's been a long week. 8-12 every morning at Job1, then a 5-7 hour shift at Job2. It'll be nice to have the cash, but it's been long.

My roommates are always asking me if they can borrow my DVD player and it's driving me nuts. Maybe instead of buying them all belated Christmas presents, I'll just buy a house DVD player and call it good. I'll even be so kind as to set it up, as I'm the only remotely technologically inclined of my house. Maybe that's a good thing. Maybe not. I haven't decided yet.

Combine a good guy with a fitting cologne and a good hug, and I'm putty.

This Big Kahuna stuff is interesting. We'll see if it works.

I know I've gotten a lot better, but I'm still frustrated with how much I care what others think. Especially others that are non-entities or that, as much as I like them, really don't matter. Since I'm trying to develop it in myself, I really admire those that walk unapologetically to their own beat. If I seem a little less caring/more apathetic than usual, don't worry too much. It's an exercise.

Brozy and Laulau - I just remembered the specific reason why I took the link to my blog off of bb. If you still want to know, shoot me a PM and I'll let you know.

Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas, everyone. I hope that everything is going well and can be at least somewhat at peace for today. Best of luck in the upcoming year.

Guy3

I went out with Guy3 last night. I had a good time. We went to a really good restaurant (yum!) and had a good dinner. Then we went to his house, met up with some of his siblings and went caroling. It was a lot of fun. After that, we drove around and looked at some peoples' cool lights. We then came back to my house and had dessert, and chatted some more and listened to some music, and then he went home. He flies out to Tennessee tomorrow to spend time with his twin brother and his family and will return on the 4th. I thought we connected very well, and I really did have a good time, and told him that I'd like to do that again sometime. It was a little awkward, as we don't know each other very well and weren't always sure what to say to each other, but it was still fun. The poor kid also kept getting distracted by my eyes, which was very attractive. He has great eyes...bright blue. It was fun. Here's hoping he calls and we get to do something again.

Thank Heaven for the Sabrina sountrack.

I can't tell you how many times it's helped.

Physically, I'm feeling fine. No illnesses to complain of, which is WONDERFUL. I thank Heaven for that. I'm emotionally blah, though.

I'm tired of it. I'm tired of it all.

Deep breaths, mint chocolate torte, and good music will turn me around. Maybe I need to "find myself in Paris." Except it would be Spain instead.

It's not fair...

* when I'm not even aware of the stupid politics in the first place.
* when people don't know me...at all...but they still make judgment calls.
* that I don't know you well enough to 'get it.'


I'm trying! Yeesh!

By the way,

I can be easily persuaded to do things as and with friends. So, please invite me. I just don't want romance. Fair enough?