Freak Out!

**disclaimer: I'm quite tired and just home from a road trip. I'm happy to accept the fact that I'm whacked out.**

Okay, I just came back from visiting my 'boyfriend,' and kinda started freaking out. I do this from time to time, unfortunately, when stuff that sounds like being married to any kind of teacher, living in Provo, having a handful of kids and fulfilling my callings sounds absolutely repulsive and is only meant to rob me of the life I should be living. Which is now.

I'm not saying the kid proposed marriage. He didn't. Maybe I'm still living in my fairy-tale land, or am at least wanting to. My fairy tale land involves a man who is a very successful MBA and makes loads of cash. This way, we might not have to *seriously* worry about finances. Not only does he make tons of cash, he manages it well. He's 6'4." He is classy enough to handle the most elegant of situations, is highly responsible, and doesn't make me go camping or play sports if I don't want to. He has a very sexy taste in music, involving a lot of jazz and blues, and even enjoys going to the theatre. He is, however, straight. And in love with me. He could, however, do small-ish town (like Orem, because I *really* do not want to live anywhere smaller), but still bring the New York upper-class 'feel.' And he won't be upset if I only want to have 2 kids. Tops. Maybe just one. If that. He makes possible and supports me in my dream of playing in an orchestra, but if I decide I want to quit tomorrow, that's ok with him as well. I get to support him in his career, and he will come to me with his complex problems, and I will provide genious insights that he would never have gotten if he weren't married to me. We will go out frequently for food and find cool, eclectic, ethnic restaurants, and will never, ever complain about the bill, because it's ...hello! Pocket change! and will be so excited when he finds somewhere new we can go. We'll spend chilly evenings on our luscious couch (we don't have kids yet...not even close) with hot chocolate or cider in one hand, our individual books in another, in front of a *real* fire. I'll keep the apartment spotless (it'll be fairly easy since we don't have kids), and I'll be super-involved in cool stuff. He is the sexiest man alive, and finds me to be the sexiest woman alive and cannot possibly imagine being with anyone else but me. I can't imagine being with anyone else but him. He speaks well and writes well.

The list goes on, but I have to get up early and I'm not going to get anywhere near enough sleep tonight.

I think I'm just going to go pray that this freaking out be temporary. Actually, no I'm not. I'm going to ask Him to bless me with peace to know that He's in charge. I'm going to stop thinking about it and planning and just trust Him that He'll take care of everything after I've given it a shot and failed most horribly.

I hope it works, because I'm kinda not really attracted to Lover Boy (LB for short) right now. Luckily, I won't see the kid until Saturday, so we'll see.........


*eek!!!*

Suggestions? Anyone? Anyone? Bueller?

Warning! Venting ahead....

Let me just say that overall, life is going well and I'm happy with it. Today, however, I'm kind of ornery, and there are things bothering me that are bouncing around in my head that I need to get out. You have been warned. Here goes:

My grandparents are great people, but they're really annoying. On December 9th, my grandpa is turning 80. My grandma's throwing a birthday party for him, but no grandkids are invited. The only thing (besides the occasional Thanksgiving or Christmas party) that the grandkids have ever been invited to was their 50th wedding anniversary a year and a half ago at The Joseph Smith Memorial Building where they had to PAY lots of money for ALL of us to eat! They rarely come to anything to support their grandkids unless it's "worth" it. Plays, but at the Hale Center Theatre. They've been to one of my concerts that I can remember, but it's now that I'm in the top wind group at the U. The weekend before that, there is a Christmas party for my dad's cousins - no kids invited. I'm used to that one, because they do it every year, but I can't even go to my own grandfather's 80th birthday? LAME. (I probably wouldn't be able to go anyway because of work, but that's beside the point.) When we were little, we were NEVER allowed in Grandma's front room. Never mind if we were well behaved. It was just taboo.

I got a lot lower of a grade on my music theory midterm because I wrote (and didn't catch) parallel 5ths and octaves all over the place. I like music, and I think it's important, but my life does not and will not revolve around it. Snobby musicians drive me nuts. There's music snobbery, but then there's music elitism. I swear that my professors put music over everything, including family, church and real life. If something isn't perfect, the universe is likely to implode or something. Guess what!! I do not care. Well, I care about my grades right now, but teaching flute students and/or playing in an orchestra will not be based on whether or not I can correctly write and resolve Neapolitan chords, Augmented 6ths and secondary dominants or seventh chords. People! There's more to life! Get a grip!

My work is driving me a little crazy. I LOVE it, don't get me wrong, but it's just the initial settling into a new job that's tough. Trying to get days off that I *need* off, trying to figure out if I'll be able to go see my brother's new show ever at all during the run, trying to get a ton of hours between the days that I have to have off or I'll fail Wind Ensemble and be hated by my director for not showing up to the concert. I'm trying really really hard to get this Saturday off so that I can go to Colorado with my family for Thanksgiving. However, I need more hours as I have a 2-digit sum of money in my bank account right now. It's scaring me to death. I'm not trying to be difficult! I promise!! ERG!

I don't understand people and why they can't just accept the fact that I'm friendly and that I actually do care about you, even if I'm not interested in a romantic relationship! Sorry that you've liked me since July and found out last night that I've never liked you as more than a friend and that I'm dating someone. Not a whole lot I can do about it.

*sigh* I'm starting to feel better. If you're still reading this, I applaud you for putting up with my ranting. That's all for now.

And then what if you are what a prince would envision...?

So, I have to laugh. There is someone that I have been exchaning e-mails with lately. That is, until he decided to be non-responsive. Until I mention casually on bb that I'm dating someone not of the bb persuasion. Suddenly, he feels like writing me back. *snicker* It's okay, my friend. I was not about to express undying love.

Yes, you read that correctly. I have started dating someone. And, as irony (or maybe luck) would have it, he lives in Orem. He goes to BYU. He's a wonderful dancer, and as I'm finding out, a wonderful person. I am gunshy, and somewhat skeptical, but for whatever reason, I'm hanging in there. Half of me doesn't want to 'commit' and feels like bolting, but the other half of me is so overwhelmingly comfortable and okay with it that I can't bolt. And that's okay. I haven't settled into the "*sighhhh* At last, my Prince Charming has come," mentality. I'm just....okay....for now. It's rather precarious, but I'm not at all worried about it. I'm taking it as it comes. If, at some point, after maybe having dinner together, and after having ordered Dr. Pepper or Diet Coke, he may tell me it's over. I'm still waiting for him to say, "[Cinderella], you're way too spunky/on the edge/weird/intimidating for me. See ya around at Swing Kids, ok?" At this point, I would be neither surprised or saddened. I guess it's a self-defense mechanism, and it's happened before. *shrug*

He's newly home from his mission, as in, beginning of August. He's doing REALLY well for only having been home since then. I'd pretty much sworn off men under the age of 23, as I was sick of putting up with all the weirdness. And yet, here I am...

I'm convinced that God has a sense of humor. Yeah. I'll have to blog later about my highly ironic situation that recently occurred that cemented this idea into my brain. For now, however, ta ta.

[Insert Creative Title Here]

So, since I kind of can't sleep, I'll just post some random musings:

I really like chocolate pudding. Oddly enough, especially Jello Instant. :)

Life has an interesting way of going really bizarre directions sometimes and throwing things into the mix that you weren't anticipating - for good or for bad.

It's a really cool thing when I can connect with a guy on several levels...including a dance level. Wow.

I'm learning how to lead some moves in Lindy, and it's fun, but a little intimidating because of the teacher. He's great, though.

It's crazy that my brother will be going on a mission soon. I'm excited for him to have that experience, but I'll miss him a lot.

I love the Sabrina soundtrack.

Hooray for Dancesport, if I end up being able to go.

There are parts of where I live that I love, and other parts that scare me to death. It'll be interesting to see what I end up doing after graduation. If I'll be married or not...if I go to grad school or not...if I do something related to my major or something completely different.

My friend told me that she and her boyfriend are unofficially engaged. We're in almost all of our classes together, and I've hung around with them a lot, and I think it will be good, but it's like, "Hey....more friends that are getting married. Huh." I guess when it's right, it's right, eh?

It's kind of cool to get a "big picture." I love "big picture" moments, because they help me to realize that I'm on the right track, and usually more so than I think I am. Yay.

And now I'm getting tired, so I think I'll give that sleep thing another crack at it.

Good night.

: )

Yep, I really like the movie "The Importance of Being Earnest." Especially tonight. And yes, I'm using two spaces inbetween sentences. Deal with it. :)

God moves in mysterious ways. I'm convinced that He has a sense of humor.

It's nice to know that God knows us better than we know ourselves, and that He leads us in ways that can be very confusing to us, but ultimately come out for the best. It's amazing.

Metaphysical Speculation

"Do shake his hand, Uncle Jack."
"After all, it could be worse. I could be dead in Paris of a sudden chill."
"You could, indeed."


"Rise, sir, from this semi-recumbent posture! It is most indecorous!"
"Mama, I beg you to retire. Mr. Worthing is not quite finished."
"Finished with what, may I ask?"
"Mama, Mr. Worthing and I are engaged to be married."

An interesting question

Laulau posed an interesting question on her blog:

Does what matters now matter later?

I would say yes and no. For me, when there are people/things in my life that I care a lot about, I tend to *do* stuff in relation to them, which teaches me a lot, which helps me later in different situations.

For example: Guys I've dated in the past. I'm SO glad that I didn't marry my first boyfriend out of high school. I've learned things about myself and my life that I wouldn't have learned any other way. At times, I've thought, "What's the point of getting involved if it doesn't work out?" Then I think, "How do you know it won't work out until you actually give it a shot?" "Yes, but what if I get hurt again? I'm tired of it!"

I found myself thinking today that I'm afraid of *blank* and *blank*. (You may think you know what goes in the blanks, but don't be so sure. :) ) After this thought process led me lower and lower, and I started feeling crummier and crummier, a thought popped into my head that there's a scripture somewhere about Heavenly Father not giving us feelings of fear, but of peace, etc. So I started to look up 'fear,' and found a few REALLY neat scriptures that pulled me out of my 'funk.' I remembered that I need to be patient, have faith, and go forward without having fear.

So this week is going to be awesome, because I'm going to make a conscious effort to eliminate as much fear as I can.

I also had an awesome Halloween costume last night that was tons of fun, and actually made people laugh. :D And I get to hang out with my family tonight, tomorrow and Tuesday. And I get to carve a pumpkin tomorrow. And I get to go look at Brozy's house. And it's fall....YUM. And I get to apply for jobs, and contemplate the possibilities of moving down. And I get to start a new week. It's going to be GREAT! And maybe I'll start planning my theoretical trip to Disneyland next fall, because it's been a while since I've been there. Road trip, anyone? (And I'm only half kidding about that...)

Into the Woods

"He's a very nice prince..."
"And?"
"It's a very nice ball..."
"And?"
"And...*gasp* When I entered, they trumpeted..."
"And...the prince?"
"Oh, the prince..."
"Yes, the prince."
"Well, he's tall."
"Is that all? Did you dance? Is he charming? They say that he's charming..."
"We did nothing *but* dance..."
"Yes....and??"
"..and it made a nice change..."
"No, the prince!"
"Oh, the prince?"
"Yes, the prince!"
"He has charm for a prince, I guess..."
"Guess?"
"I don't meet a wide range, and it's all very strange..."

I still may...

...do something drastic like move back down to Utah County. Not necessarily for any good reason other than I'm single, and I can. So there. However, the holidays are upon us, and it would be nice to be close to my family, and my brother's going to be going on a mission soon, so to be able to be home for the call, etc. etc. would be tons of fun. I may not move back. I don't know. *shrug* I'm coming down either later tonight or in the morning, andI'll probably stay through Tuesday. I'll probably do some job hunting, some DC ticket purchasing, some sitting in the hot tub, some enjoying of the family, some practicing and some homework. And watching of movies. :D And I get to go to the dentist. The day after Halloween. Good thing I'm not planning on eating a ton of candy......well...maybe just a little bit.... :D

New job

So my project at my current job will be finishing this week. That means that I need to find a new job fairly quickly. I applied and was interviewed for a banquet server at a very popular dining location downtown...in a building that holds a lot of wedding receptions...where you might see GAs walking around...that has a great view of a rather large and spiky building....Yeah.

And then I realized that I don't think I want the job, even if it's offered to me. Maybe it's because I took a nap today and woke up feeling tired and having little energy, but to have a restaurant-type job where you're constantly "Ohmygosh, like, HI!! How are you today??" sounded extremely draining. Then I came to realize that while I enjoy people, I've enjoyed being given a project, being told, "K, do it," and then being left alone for the most part. I don't like people breathing down my neck.

So to have a job like that involving all of those things...yeah...I'm not so sure about that. Maybe I can get my people fix without having it be through my job. Maybe a secretarial job would be good...or maybe I could find a way to do what I really want...which is to teach private flute lessons.

And there are other....Um....yeah....

*shrug*

Who knows? I'm excited to see how life turns out, to be sure.